Pessimism
by witchfingers
Summary: It's night. It's raining. And Bankotsu wonders how can everything happen to him...


_Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, Rumiko Takahashi-sama does. I wish I owned Bankotsu, though :P_

**Well guys; I hope you like this short fic I wrote when I was depressed. Please, review, as it's one of the first ones I make here in Thanks! (_Note: this fic is not yaoi. Jakotsu here is Bankotsu's blood blother, the same as Renkotsu and Suikotsu, briefly mentioned..._ )**

**- I needed to give Ban a surname U. And in Japanese, the last name is said first... so yes. But this fic takes places in what looks like a town in the US, so... --U... Well, however, Shuryou leader is his surname here **

**PESSIMISM...**

Well well well, I guess no tomorrow to change my today, and no yesterday to alter it.

Too bad, I guess. I hate it when things like this happen. They trap you inside a shell, and then...

Then.

Which is nothing, I hate it. I hate the nothingness- because as nothing it represents nothing, so it's ... I am confusing myself. I hate feeling empty, and that's how I'm feeling right now. As I am, now, sad to say, lonely too. Lonely and empty. And hating it. And sad.

Will that rain ever stop falling...?

I've been listening to it subconsciously for so long, I feel wet. I can't think about feeling nothing if I'm feeling wet with no reason. Outside, the rain is falling... and here, inside, where I should be warm and comfortable and all... there's a leak.

I move to another place where my thoughts don't get so watery. A pity, it _was _a nice place to sit and wonder about nonsense in a dull, rainy day. Perhaps I should do something with my life and get up once and for all. It's said that too much laziness gets to the brain...

... what a pity that it doesn't get to the heart. I long for it. It's been a while since the last time I felt _really _lazy. And that last time I forgot to put off the fire... and the entire house burnt down...

I think I'll stand up... and... uhhh... go for a walk- how haven't I thought of it before? ... I don't think I want to know why.

I fetch the keys, and go out. The rain falls on my hair, my clothes are already soaked. I shiver. It shouldn't be so cold at this time of the... night. Nothing I've said today has made sense... but there _was _a leak on my head. That means, another hole on the roof, and another bucket to buy. Today alone I've stumbled with, at least, three of those. And all of them had water inside.

A car passes by and splashes some mud on my coat.

It's humid.

Drops of rain fall on my head, but no wonder I'm better here outside than at home. Being alone sucks. The light post next to me flickers and finally fades away, now only a candle sheltered by a windowsill remains lit. It's dark, but the rain shines with silvery sparkles. The road is wet, and the old fliers and torn newspapers disintegrate with the water.

And I keep walking.

Finally, I come to a crossroads. Which direction should I go?

Left? No. I don't want to come an inch near that dreadful school if I can help it. The last time I did, I was mistaken with a robber... and I had to spend five days in jail until they realized that they had caged a student.

Right? What's there to me if I go right? I'd rather... go back home. I still think that it's far better out here. But it's also depressing. I am alone, alone, just me and my heartbeat. And the sound of a lonely cat in the distance. The rain has stopped, but still, some single drops fall with hopeless melancholy from the dull sky. The mud on my clothes hasn't been washed away by the rainwater.

Sighing, I turn round, and retrace my steps...

No one's waiting there for me, so why should I care? My cat has been missing for about a week. I can truly say I'm on my own now, and I hate it.

Without noticing, I've already got back to the ragged and neglected place I call 'home'. The door creaks when I open it, and I step on a pile of correspondence I hadn't noticed. I skip some of them and ignore others. Bills, advertising... nothing. Until I come across a letter. Is it... for me? Yes: _Shuryou, Bankotsu_.

A letter.

I never receive letters. I don't have friends that send them.

But this one... where is it from? I turn around the envelope...

France. A letter from France. I can hardly conceal my shock. I rip it open, I perfectly know who has sent it. My only friend in the whole world...

_Paris, France, 16th March_

_Dear Bankotsu,_

_How have you been lately? I'm afraid that I have a lot of work to do, but I still have wanted to write to you. Things here in Paris are great, I have known a lot of interesting people, and I have made a lot of friends. People in Europe don't sue you for who you are, or how you look like. They just do like you or don't. So different from home...!_

_There are also beautiful places to see. I'm sure you would love it, brother. I'm sure. Yesterday, I went to a museum of Medieval Weapons. They even had a halberd! It reminded me so much of you...! And the castles are just breathtaking. _

_And how's everything there? What about Suikotsu and Renkotsu? How are they dealing with university? What about you? Tell me, did you finally get the money for the car you wanted? Are the authorities at school still haunting you as they always did?_

_Brother, I'm afraid that everything here is perhaps too good. I'm loaded with work, and I have not yet done a half of it. Brother, I am afraid that I won't be able to be back for your birthday, as I had promised. I even doubt that I will be able to return home by the end of the year. Brother, I'm sorry, I've failed you. I know that the time I need is too much. I don't even know how I will be able to go through all this without you. But for the moment, I can do much, I'm sorry!  
Please, brother, don't be angry with me. I promise I will write. More often. Twice a week, is that OK? Promise that you will answer as soon as you read this.  
Love, your brother,_

_Jakotsu_

I hold the envelope languidly with both hands and let myself fall in slow motion on the tattered sofa. I can hardly believe what the letter says. He's not coming back. He won't be here for my birthday.

What if I told him that everything here is slowly dying without the happiness he used to spread...? What if I told him that Suikotsu and Renkotsu have stopped communicating with me, and that I have no clue of what they may be doing right now...? What if I told him that all the money I had saved for my car was secretly spent in paying his passport and plain ticket to Europe...? What if I told him that the principal of school has appointed me detention for all the week for something I didn't do...?

What if I told him that my life lacks a direction once again...?

But it's not your fault, Jakotsu.

Live happily as long as you can. Enjoy every moment, as if it was the last one, because it could be. I'll write to you, brother, but not now. Now, I just want to leave your letter aside for some moments, and think- it's been a while since the last time I don't do that...

I groggily stand up, and close some windows. The air is freezing now, and I can't even find a sweater. And the heater won't turn on... and I have nothing to light the fire with. I'm cold. And the leaks still have some water dropping from them. I stumble with a bucket and the brownish, dirty water spreads on the floor.

I roll up the cuff of my trousers; take off my coat, that still has remains of mud, and hang it from a thin clothes-rack on the wall.

And go for a mop to clean the water.

My night, though pessimistic, hasn't been necessarily _bad_. I've had worse, though I would personally prefer to forget them. Certainly, things for me can't get better. But they could get worse, and that worries me...

I go up the stairs. Halfway, one of the rotten wooden steps breaks and a circular line of blood forms around my leg. And when I try to free it from the painful grasp of the chipped wood, it injures me even more. My house sucks. If I could, if I had money, I would have left it long time ago. But I am broke, and I have no way to get a reasonable amount of money for that matter, so I can't leave this place. In some morbid way, I could say I am tied to it.

I put on my night clothes, and drink a glass of water. The edge was damaged, and it made a cut on my lip. Never, ever again, I am going to think that "things can't get worse" because one of these days the ceiling is likely to fall on my head...

So, I go straight to bed, not before checking it- who knows what could happen if I don't.

I tug myself in, the blankets comfortably warm in spite of the broken glass of my window.

The only thing I can do now, is pray that Jakotsu, my best-brother, is happy at the moment, as I am not. That, and hope for a clear, more optimistic tomorrow...


End file.
